At some point you found out that your wife had a lover. Let's leave behind the scenes the details of the birth of this revelation, but the facts that you learned undoubtedly indicate that you are no longer the only one with her. You can, of course, send everything and everyone - so to speak, “unravel” this Gordian knot according to the principle of Alexander the Great, but what if this woman is still not indifferent to you? Is it worth trying to return everything to the previous level, and will this level remain the same?
Classic love triangles are “husband-his lover-wife” or “husband-wife-her lover”. Less pleasant (more precisely, absolutely unpleasant), from a man’s point of view, of course, is the second. This option, by the way, according to experts, is less time-consuming. If the “husband-lover” connection can exist for a very long time, then, as a rule, the links in the “wife-lover” chain fall apart much faster. Women, by their nature, are more inclined towards family relationships and procreation, so they quickly determine which of the two “vertices” of the triangle they prefer.
A woman finds herself a lover if she lacks something in her marriage, usually for three reasons: when the man is unable to conceive or is seriously ill, when she cannot realize herself in life and, most often, when there is no sexual and emotional attention.
With the first one, everything is clear. The civilized way to solve the problem is a child from an anonymous donor, the least complicated way is from a very specific “neighbor”. Such relationships usually end quickly and are usually not taken seriously by the woman. It is difficult to influence the situation here, unless you lead your wife, who dreams of a bunch of small children, by the hand to IVF (artificial insemination).
In a situation where a woman finds a lover due to the impossibility of self-realization, the husband, as a rule, also cannot do anything. His only mistake was that he did not discern in the girl at the first stages of communication her true life values. For example, she is an actress, and she never intended to give up her activities (tour and concert plans) for the sake of her family.
The universal reason is the appearance of the third - the woman lacks attention. Soulful. Sexual. This option is the most common.
Psychologist Igor Lyakh commented: “There is no need to blame only the man here... The fact that both partners do not pay enough attention to each other and sexual relations leads to the appearance of other partners. As they say, husband and wife are one Satan, they both must change and do something.”
It is generally accepted that the appearance of a lover by the wife in a couple is much more dangerous for a marriage than the appearance of a mistress by the husband. If for a man everything most often passes at the level of shallow love, then a woman invests more emotions into relationships on the side than just sexual ones.
True, here Igor Lyakh clarified: “According to my statistics, this is not entirely true: the conditions are approximately equal - just as male infidelity can lead to the breakdown of relationships, so can female infidelity. It matters what role the cheater plays in the marriage. If the matriarch (when the wife is the leader in the family - I.K.) finds herself a lover, then the risk of the breakup of this marriage is approximately the same as if the patriarch finds himself a mistress - minimal. A patriarchal man found a mistress, cheated for a while and returned to the family. Likewise, the female patriarch.
The joke “a good leftist strengthens a marriage” is for patriarchs and matriarchs. For others, this is a possible reason for destroying relationships.”
The first reaction of an offended man, a master and a male, is to send everything and everyone away, cut the so-called Gordian knot with one blow, put her things out the door, and give his lover real bumps in place of his virtual horns. The second way, if the husband’s relationship with his wife continues to remain deep, is to try to resolve everything “without blood.” Most often, this also happens due to the presence of common children - they say, we’re fine, but separation will not benefit our child at all.
If you decide to try to save your relationship with your spouse, you should not put forward any ultimatums. And demanding not to change “once and for all” is also stupid. After an honest conversation, you need to give her a choice: let her decide who she will stay with. And also give a specific deadline (some experts believe that this takes about six months), after which she must voice a final decision. During this period, it is important not to remind you again about what happened and try not to show unnecessary emotions.
“We must not take revenge, not harm, show attention and understand that this is a difficult time for both. The very fact that the relationship was hidden suggests that the woman was not sure of the correct choice,” added Igor Lyakh.
Whether it is necessary to return his errant wife - everyone decides for himself. It depends on many things - how a man continues to treat his wife, children, and family as a whole. Some psychologists argue that maintaining a family for the sake of children is a pragmatic decision, but with a certain amount of selfishness (which is sometimes justified), others that this is completely unacceptable. If you yourself cannot decide what to do, there is only one piece of advice: find a judge - a specialist in family problems.
Continued relationships “after the third odd one” will no longer be the same as “before the third odd one” - they will either ultimately lead to a breakup, or become neutral and isolated, or, in exceptional cases, may improve. Most often, after a woman’s infidelity, the relationship in a couple who decided to keep it becomes neutral and isolated - with hidden irritation and a decrease in sexual attention to each other. You can carefully glue your favorite cup, but most often the cracks will still be noticeable.
Question for a psychologist:
I am 36 years old, I have been married to my wife for 9 years, she is 31, we have two children. Before marriage, I knew my wife for 5 years, she dated an acquaintance of mine, but they didn’t get anything serious. I started dating her, after six months of relationship she became pregnant, and we decided to get married, but she had a miscarriage, but we did not postpone the wedding and played, everything was fine, but after the legal marriage, my brother and sister and his wife began to be jealous of her and envy your parents. There were quarrels, swearing, clarification of relationships, they said that she doesn’t love you, they cursed her. We stopped communicating with them. In principle, it got better, but after some time my mother began to have the same negative attitude towards her, being jealous of my father for my wife. Then I found out that he was really hitting on her, saying that he fell in love with her as a boy, they had intimacy. After that, I reluctantly swallowed it and asked my father not to interfere in our relationship anymore. But no matter how much he swore, my wife still told me about his advances. I told him again, but everything was like peas against the wall, there were moments when we did not communicate with our parents, then, when everything calmed down, we communicated again. The rest of my life happened like this, on weekends with my parents. I stopped communicating with friends after the wedding, due to the fact that they considered me a heel, I spent too much time with her and they stopped calling. I often went on business trips, and she had to cope with family life alone. Once, after another visit to her parents after a showdown, she asked to let her go to her friends to breathe out. I didn’t mind because I understood her depressing mental state, her relatives constantly oppressing her and family life, four walls, ironing, cooking, father. Then she began to constantly ask for time off there to distract herself. She began to often talk about the guy who gave her advice. It was obvious that she had feelings for him. I began to worry and find out what was happening. She denied everything, after six months of visiting these friends, I finally got the truth out of her that she slept with him. She said that with him she feels like she’s behind a stone wall, that it’s my own fault, I couldn’t protect her throughout our marriage, but with him it’s easy and good for her. After this confession, she began to correspond with him even more every day without hesitation, going with him to discos, bars, lakes. He began to give her gifts, an expensive phone. At the beginning, she tried to present this phone as if it was being sold for half the price, but in the end she admitted that it was a gift. I was against it, but then I said, decide for yourself. I hoped that prudence would work for her and she would refuse, but she didn’t accept it, and then during another quarrel she said that you yourself weren’t against it and swallowed this gift. I don’t know what to do, all the time, when she’s gone, I can’t find a place for myself, I drink. She doesn’t like that I drink, to which I respond by drinking because of you. I ask her to stop, she blames me for not protecting her, for not doing anything myself. But I don't understand what I can do. I already do everything, except that she cooks and cleans the apartment, I do everything. On weekends I sit with the children. I ask her, if she loves me, to leave him and stop communicating with friends, to which she replies that she will always communicate with them. And about him, she doesn’t understand what kind of feelings she has, but I’m not made of iron, I’m also a living person. He says he loves her. She says that maybe everything will change after she goes to work, but I understand that she will become independent, financially, and she definitely won’t need me. There are different thoughts in my head, cutting him, committing suicide, going to live with my parents, but how to go to them if they themselves had a hand in this.
Psychologist Olga Evgenievna Godovana answers the question.
Hello Vitaly!
I sympathize with your situation. When intimacy is disrupted in a couple, it really hurts. It is important now to look for support where you can find it (friends, psychologist, loved ones).
Quite often, after a long time together, partners may be surprised to realize that they are not meeting each other’s needs. But at the same time, we remain silent about this for a very long time, continuing to be in a relationship, and expect that the second partner will be a telepath and will guess what exactly we want. Then this indicates the childish position of one of the partners. Staying silent for a long time and later presenting your demands in the form of a claim and/or accusation also indicates a childish position.
If we translate this into human language, it would sound like this: “Be my mom/dad. Fulfill my wish immediately or I will stop loving you! But I won’t say what I want. Since it’s your fault, now guess!” Of course, this means a crisis, and what is important here is the desire of both partners to establish intimacy.
In your situation, I see (from the information you provide in the letter) that your wife is behaving like a child. And this causes a lot of misunderstanding (always!).
Here I would like to point out three important points for you that will help you begin to understand the situation:
1. Your response (for now) also comes from the child part of you. I point out this point precisely because this strategy you have chosen is ineffective. That is, it is unlikely that she will help you improve your relationship with your wife. Namely - alcohol, “cut it, kill yourself, go live with your parents.” All this is a childish way of saying “I feel very bad without you.” But since your wife is also in a childish position, this will not work. Only an adult can negotiate with a child.
The next point follows from this
2. From an adult position, it is important for you to reflect on what you were looking for in this relationship - support, wife, intimacy, mother (as care and comfort). That is, what exactly do you call love. What did you want to see in a relationship, and did you have it? The same thing is worth asking your spouse in a calm, unobtrusive atmosphere from the position of an adult: “What is important to you in a relationship? What role do you expect me to play? You can play with words - man, parent, support, fulfillment of desires. But it is important to do this from the position of an adult - simply as a collection of information. You can strengthen the position of an adult by working with a psychologist. Since during a crisis we tend to regress (behave like children - and this is the norm), a psychologist will help maintain your condition.
3. And the last point, if you manage to reach it (which I really wish you), is to specify the information that you received before. Asking questions. For example: your wife says that she doesn’t have enough care. You need to ask: How exactly do you see care? What is it - more hugs before bed, or maybe breakfast in bed? Or maybe this is some certain amount left on the nightstand in time for a new dress? That is, what exactly does a person mean by each concept. this can tell you a lot. And you can compare this with your real capabilities. The phrase “It’s important for me to know what you want, what I would do to please you” can be useful here. After all, relationships are a place where we give and take.
I hope the information will be useful to you. Good luck!
5 Rating 5.00 (3 Votes)
They were always very nice, warm, everything was good with sex. We both work, average to good income, have everything - an apartment to live in (before marriage - my family gave me), a car (personal, before marriage) - i.e. The material and living conditions for the family are very good; not every family had such a start. Both are beautiful, adequate, we are popular with Rev. floor. if they do, they usually didn’t return to them in the morning, they didn’t even have to discuss anything - everything was so petty compared to the fact that we were together.
Somewhere, about 8 months ago, my wife made a certain friend. They happened on a business trip, he also lives in Kyiv, but he hooked her already upon arrival, when they met again with a group of workers. I burned the SMS correspondence. There was a conversation, she said that there was a period of cooling in our relationship (there was a lot of work and any relationship always fluctuates), and he gave her emotions, like she doubted me. She said she fell in love. We cried together, I calmly told her that I don’t want to live with a person who will think about someone else, and if she wants, let her leave. We decided that we would still try to survive this, because she thinks that it is probably a hobby.
Since then I have not remembered anything about this incident. I decided not to touch the phone either - because... Well, what the heck with these experiences, besides, being humiliated by mistrust is too much. It was very painful, but I was able to forgive her and not become embittered.
However, in early April, she called me for a conversation, where she admitted that she could not be with me. That despite the fact that she explained to this third person that she was staying with me, he still came to her work (she hid this from me) and she decided to leave me for him. She says that he is “her”, that they are very similar, they have the same views on life and all that. That he can’t resist feelings and it’s not fair to me. She said there was no sex. Tears, snot from her moans, well from mine too, but of course I didn’t try to persuade her and fall to my knees. No, it just became very painful and sad. I absolutely calmly said that I’m not angry and I understand (the funny thing is that this is true, and I would do the same myself), I’m letting her go as long as she feels good. We agreed that we would spend the last ten days together, and the guy would wait. It was great, we went to restaurants, rode, walked and remembered how cool everything was with us - we communicated very warmly, we came to the conclusion that we had a wonderful relationship, it’s a pity that everything was crossed out like that, but life is life. He did not allow himself a single reproach towards her. (And there is no offense, how can you be offended if the feelings have passed? Only a bitter understanding..).
They told their parents and friends, they took their things away, and they moved out of the apartment. And after the expiration of the term they separated.
I discovered that I am very stable emotionally. I learned to create a psychological mood for myself in which I can approach girls. I met two. It was hard to even kiss - I was so fixated. This block was removed by the leaked one, it's all about sex. I gave myself an instruction: if she couldn’t leave her friend the first time and leave me for him, then everything is serious, and hope goes to the trash can. This helped me not to rush around. I immediately scored a return. Yes, and I think that it is not we who should return, but the person himself who should return - then it will be of no use. In general, I devoted time to communicating with new people and friends.
During this time, she came to visit several times - they lay around, hugged and kissed (I initiated it, she sluggishly resisted and answered), said that we were comfortable together, why not be friends - she stopped such conversations. She called, picked up every other time, or hung up. At the same time, I told him that I was getting acquainted - there are interesting girls and all that. I read my correspondence with them. Showed that I could live fully without her. She gave little gifts. Once again, when she came, I asked her not to come to me anymore, because... for me it’s better that she disappears from my life - she gets very nervous and leaves (Although when we saw each other, it was just very pleasant for me, but then it became worse). Afterwards she wrote and called again - she said that I was a dear person to her and she didn’t want to lose me.
In general, three weeks after leaving, he comes to work with me and says I was mistaken, I love only you, I want children. That guy is not mine at all, he’s tormented by jealousy, etc., what do you say, let’s start all over again? I realized how much you really love me. And this was necessary for me to understand how much I love Teyuya. I replied that we would talk about this topic after she ended her relationship with this guy. She promised to do this next time. day. Nothing happened - because the guy had to go on a business trip for three days and supposedly it was not a matter of traveling, then the guy was very busy, in short, nothing changed in a week. This week I behaved friendly but closed - because I thought that I would not open up until she took this step. To her requests (for a ride there, etc.) he replied that I don’t communicate closely with busy girls.
As I already said, I had - and one girl became interested in me. When my wife and I talked about how she should end the relationship with her boyfriend, she asked me to do the same. I met a girl (by the way, not because of my wife, but since the girl turned out to be very nice, but not my thing), we talked and decided to be friends. The wife didn’t do anything. But I found this girl’s comments on VKontakte (in the style of “girls, step aside - this boy is mine”), correspondence (she has a password) and my answers. She demanded in an SMS that I delete everything; in response to my refusal, she stated that she would not be with me until I did what she wanted, and that it was humiliating for her that others could see that I seemed to have a new girlfriend. To be honest, I'm just sick of such presentations. I wrote back in the spirit that as long as she had someone, I consider myself free, if she were with me, I wouldn’t have anyone (the most important thing is that I really didn’t have a relationship, which I told my wife earlier), and what to do? or just for the sake of its return - i.e. returning upon fulfillment of some conditions that she sets for me is unacceptable. After this there was a lull for two weeks. They didn’t call each other, didn’t write.
We met at a mutual friend's place, when she saw me, she blushed, swallowed, I stared at her, smiled, behaved friendly, exchanged a couple of meaningless phrases to indicate that I perceived everything positively. Before leaving I decided to talk. He got hooked and asked when you could meet and talk - because... I need clarity. She got nervous and said that there was no point in communicating, she drew conclusions, nothing could happen between us, I humiliated her, that they were calling her (those who don’t yet know about our expense) and asking who I exchanged her for, heh! I asked if you and your boyfriend broke up, she replied that it didn’t concern me. Did he say that since everything is so bad that we will get a divorce? She answered - find out what and how, call and we’ll go to the registry office. From the conversation I got a strong feeling that they decided to make me guilty for the fact that she couldn’t leave that guy back to me. I even felt ashamed of her, because before she was a completely adequate person.
It is clear that there is resentment, perhaps for what she did, she made a mess (No one supports her, that guy has two children from another, his character is not great, his mating situation is many times worse), but he failed to bend. He didn’t continue the conversation - he left.
Five days later we met by chance, nothing happened, I looked at her and was just a little sad. We talked about nothing for 2 minutes and went our separate ways.
I wrote an application. It's in my briefcase. I think that my wife should either be with me or I don’t have a wife. I didn’t see any love on her part, perhaps a sense of ownership, in conversations it was just me, me (I decided to come back, I decided that, but I talked about breaking up - well, we decided...). There is one thing left that I have to return, I’m thinking of coming to work to hand it over, see the reaction - if everything is bad, hand it in and the application. Although after her words, probably in any case it should also be handed over (to be filled out by both sides). It seems like there is nothing left until the decisive step, but sometimes it hurts so much, tears flow, you don’t know what to do. On the other hand, she didn’t convince me, and the relationship doesn’t start with reproaches, it seems she’s just not ready, and does she still have it? Scary. The heart hurts, but the situation should not remain unresolved. This is probably more of a revelation than a request for advice, but it seems to me that if a person is for me, then a divorce will not separate us for a long time, and maybe life will teach her to appreciate those who are nearby. What do you think, dear forum members?
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Does your husband really treat your girlfriends well? The answer to this question may determine how long your marriage will last.
Researchers studying marriage and friendship have found that couples in which men disapproved of their wives' friends were more likely to divorce during the first years of marriage. Scientists analyzed data from black and white couples, but the results were true only for the latter. When a man felt that his wife's friends were interfering in their relationship, the chances of divorce almost doubled.
"This is one of the first studies to examine in-husband friendships and their impact on marital relationships," said Katherine Fiori, a psychologist at Adelphi University in New York and co-author of the new study. The findings were published May 3 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Uniting friends
Scientists say many studies have looked at how married couples structured their relationships with their parents-in-law, but they have paid little attention to the friendships of both parties. The role of connecting friends for a satisfying relationship may be more important, because in modern society, many couples meet online, rather than through mutual friends, as was the case in the past. Thus, the husband and wife have their own social circle, consisting of friends and relatives, who need to be united after the wedding.
The researchers analyzed data from 355 heterosexual couples who were surveyed in the first year after marriage. These couples got married in Detroit back in 1986. It found that 36 percent of white couples and 55 percent of black couples divorced within the first 16 years of marriage.
Probability of divorce
Using this 16-year time period, the researchers determined a couple's likelihood of divorce based on the answers men and women gave separately to several questions during the first years of marriage. During the first year, each man was asked how many friends he and his spouse could ask for help or advice. Partners were also asked whether their significant other had friends they would rather not waste time on.
During the first two years of marriage, participants were asked whether their spouse's friends interfered with their family life.
Husband's opinion
The most important indicator of whether a couple would divorce was the husband's opinion of his wife's friends. For example, 70 percent of white couples in which the husband was on good terms with his wife's friends during the first year of marriage remained together 16 years later. But those couples in which the husbands did not approve of the wife's friends divorced in almost 50 percent of cases. A woman's relationship with her husband's friends had no bearing on the likelihood of divorce.
If the husband believed that his wife's friends were interfering in their family relationships, the likelihood of divorce almost doubled. These results were independent of other factors that may influence the decision to divorce, including education level, income, age, whether study participants' parents were divorced, whether they wanted a child before marriage, and their own ratings of marital quality in the first year. after the wedding.
Why friends are important
Traditionally, it is believed that an increase in the number of friends after marriage has a positive effect on the relationship between partners. But at the same time, married couples spend less time with friends than single people. This may be because newlyweds prefer to spend more time alone, but another reason could be friction between spouses and friends. This study cannot, on its own, explain why only husbands' opinions matter and why there are racial differences in how friendships impact a couple's relationship.
Some clues, however, can be found in previous research, which has shown that black couples may rely more on their family when they need support than white couples, who are more likely to turn to friends. It may not matter whether black couples approve of each other's friends, since they are more likely to focus on their families.
Why the wife's opinion does not affect the likelihood of divorce
There are many reasons why a husband's opinion of his wife's friends matters more than the other way around. As you know, women are more emotionally attached to their friends compared to men. They are more likely to tell their friends about family problems, although in some cases this can only make the situation worse. Unlike women, men are not used to sharing their feelings with friends, but are more focused on spending time together. This is why wives can more easily accept their husband's friends. This also means that it's easier for men to stop hanging out with a friend their wife doesn't like. But the reason may also be hidden in the fact that men are more willing to decide on a divorce when problems arise with friends than women.
When friends don't approve of the relationship...
Previous studies have also shown that if friends don't approve of a relationship, it's more likely to eventually fail. This means that men who don't like their wife's friends may sense their hostility towards them. In such cases, it is difficult to say whose hostility appeared first.
Husbands who have experienced hostility from their wives' friends can try to repair the relationship by considering the benefits their spouses receive from those friendships and how those benefits may affect their marriage.
Many people are often aware of the problems that can arise after marriage, but do not usually think about how difficult it can be to get along with their partner's friends.
