You won't have children. How to come to terms with the fact that children are not successful? Don't isolate yourself

Let your emotions out. Whatever your emotions are, try to express them. You can do it any way you like: cry, scream, laugh, talk, sing, write, and so on.

Accept reality as it is. It is important that you are realistic about your life circumstances. If you know you won't have children, then you have to accept that fact before you can move forward. Consciously incorporate the following habits into your daily life:

• Instead of thinking about what could be, focus on what is and what could be.
• Picture your future without children. Make plans that do not involve having children. Imagine that your plans will come true and how happy you will be.
• Put painful reminders out of your sight. If you have baby supplies that you purchased in hopes of having a baby, pack them away or give them to someone who needs them.

I apologize in advance to everyone who decides to help me for the fact that I am writing a topic with an empty nickname. In fact, I am a very long-time resident of Osinka, I live in the knitting and embroidery sections, but my topic is so delicate that I did not dare to publish my problems under my real name.
I am 42 years old. I have been living in a civil marriage for 10 years (before that there were two unsuccessful official marriages). I don't have children. My husband does too. The last 8 years of my life with him have been devoted to solving infertility issues. A long journey, during which there was artificial insemination with a pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks, and treatment of the consequences of this pregnancy (removal of fibroids, endometritis, endometriosis). Since the problems were initially in my husband, we lost time trying to treat only me. When it turned out that the husband had a bad male factor, they began to treat him, as a result of this treatment, after an injection of one of the drugs, he developed severe angioedema, which subsequently led to allergic wandering arthritis (all joints became inflamed in turn with a rise in temperature to 39 degrees). For two and a half months my husband tried to get out. After that I became afraid of any treatment.
But despite this, we tried to solve our problem and decided to go eco-friendly. We made 2 attempts for a fee in Moscow, and then two attempts under a quota in our city. The last attempt ended three days ago. All our attempts were unsuccessful. In the end, the doctor sadly said that the problem is not only in my husband, but also in me, because of age, and nothing can be done or corrected. In fact, he said goodbye to us, regretting that things didn’t work out that way for us.
If earlier I had at least some hope from tests to tests, from protocol to protocol, now I have nothing more to wait for. They hinted to me that trying further would be torturing myself with even less chance of success.
Donation is not used in our city. Surrogacy is beyond our finances.
And we just have to come to terms with the fact that we will never have children of our own.
But I don’t know how to come to terms with this fact, how to accept this fact and find meaning in living on. I can not. All my attempts to calm myself down come down to the fact that I am looking for cases of “happy pregnancies after 43”, etc., that is, I cannot accept this, I still have some kind of hope, “what if there is a miracle? ", but in fact I am deceiving myself.
All these 8 years I have not lived, I have not lived. Anyone who has gone through this difficult path, IVF procedures, etc., will understand how much effort (physical, moral), not to mention financial, goes into all this. You don’t go on vacation (you spend your vacation on the next protocol), you save money for the next list of tests, you withdraw into yourself, because... It is unbearably painful to communicate with childhood friends who constantly tell you about their children, and you feel like an inferior woman. Etc. and so on. And life, meanwhile, passes by. I have not received joy from life for a long time, sex has become something akin to a medical procedure, euphoria gives way to despondency from the beginning of the cycle and the expectation of a “miracle” before the onset of menstruation.
In general, now the state of my soul is as if someone very close to me had died. And I feel like I’m a walking cemetery of dead embryos (the protocol has ended, my babies inside me died as soon as they began to attach, and there’s no month yet).
In general, I understand that I have all the signs of depression, that it’s time for me to see a specialist, and for a long time now. But maybe you can at least support me in some way, advise me on how to find a foothold in life if my most important goal in life, my dream of children, which I have dreamed of since my youth, never comes true? Why should I continue to live? I always considered myself created for motherhood and family. As a result, things didn’t work out for me for a long time with my family (my first husband was a sadist, he beat me and almost stabbed me to death, I had to break up with him very quickly, the psychological trauma remained for the rest of my life after that), but I loved the second one very much, and he cheated on me and when I found out about it, he left me, saying that he had no moral right to live with me, since he was a scoundrel.
Today I live with a wonderful man who loves me for who I am. But I still have no happiness.
We are not ready for adoption yet, probably because adopting a child, being a sad, depressed person without joy in the soul, means dooming the adopted child to yet more torment. As I read on one of the adoption websites: only happy and successful parents should adopt. I cannot call myself unsuccessful (good education, good job and position), but I am far from happiness or at least peace and harmony in my soul.
My husband’s support is very important to me, but even with his support I can’t cope with my condition, come to terms with it and move on with my life. Hobbies, sports - nothing helps...

Maybe it's not so scary?

Many, reading these paragraphs, can say that such phrases will sound very cruel. But for those who find themselves in such a situation, this can really help. In fact, not all women who cannot have children wanted these children so much. They were influenced by the desire of the husband, the attitude of the family, and so on. Everyone was worried and worried about the fact that a woman couldn’t get pregnant. As a result, looking at how everyone perceives the current situation, the woman herself begins to believe that a terrible grief has happened to her and she madly wants to become a mother. Although, if there had not been such pressure from others, most likely she would not have perceived the situation so acutely. Therefore, if you have been given a similar diagnosis, be honest with yourself. There is nothing terrible or terrible in the fact that a woman may not want children so much as to kill herself for the rest of her life because of their absence. Therefore, still analyze the current circumstances and give yourself honest answers. Just don't worry about what others will think. This doesn't concern them at all. A normal person who loves you will only be glad because his loved one will stop suffering. And those who begin to lament and wonder how she can live like this, a soulless bastard, and not sob into her pillow every day, are not worthy of your attention at all, because such people simply cannot be called close. No matter what stereotypes are imposed by society, the people who love us will definitely not be guided by them in such situations and will be glad that it has become easier for us.

Correct support

If the experience is truly a consequence of unfulfilled desires, then you need to learn to deal with it and in no case should you allow yourself to get hung up on what happened. This is why you need the right support. There should be someone next to you who can help you get out of the depression that will most likely begin because of what happened, and not drive you even deeper into the abyss of despair. Therefore, in this situation, under no circumstances allow those who openly feel sorry for you to come to you. You don't really need pity. Yes, at first you will want to cry and speak out, and your loved one will have to listen to you, sympathize, and support you. But after some time, support tactics will need to be changed. The one who is next to you should, on the contrary, not allow you to constantly think about it and suffer from your thoughts. Unfortunately, there are people who enjoy the suffering of others. This is the kind of person who will sit next to you and constantly lament: “Oh, what a poor unfortunate thing you are, how God punished you. It’s so terrible that you won’t have children. How can you live with such grief?” Moreover, such a woman can lament in this way (and such behavior in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred is characteristic of ladies) ad infinitum. If you yourself start trying to get out of a state of depression, it will definitely immediately drive you back, remembering how bad you must feel and what a terrible and meaningless life you now have. So given the current situation, stay away from such people. A normal friend who really wants to support would never do something like that. By letting him cry, he will force you to pull yourself together and will stop such conversations both between you and in the society in which you are located. So if you really don’t want to suffer for the rest of your life and want to cope with your condition, be sure to try to communicate as much as possible with a person who can really support you. For such a person, you should not be a victim, over whom you need to shake and cry with her. On the contrary, he will always try to remind you that you, a strong person, will correct the situation. For many, this person becomes a husband. But if this is not the case, it’s okay. The main thing is that he does not put pressure on you and does not turn into a sad, eternally depressed creature. You can also get support from your mother, close friend, or sister. The main thing is that this person knows you very well and understands what and when you need to say in order to support you, set you up for the positive and not let you fall apart. If you constantly communicate with such a person, over time you will notice that it really becomes easier. And in many ways this will be his merit, since he will force you to pull yourself together, change the situation, do something, and not sit sour at home, suffering and hating yourself for something for which you are not at all to blame.

Children are given not only by God

If you really want to be a mother that much, then, first of all, you need a child whom you will love. Of course, giving birth to your own is ideal, but if this is not possible, you can always save someone’s life. Go to the orphanage. And just don’t listen to those who say: “Oh, who knows whose child, what if the genes are bad, what if he grows up to be an alcoholic or a moral monster.” Genes are a rather unpredictable thing. Even in your family, there were bound to be alcoholics somewhere. And there is a chance that they will be passed on to your own child after six generations. Therefore, you should not pay attention to such nonsense. Even hereditary alcoholics can grow up to be a normal child if the right values ​​are invested in him, he is taught not to make mistakes and to treat situations and others fairly. Therefore, do not be afraid of what evil tongues predict for you. And don’t be confused by the fact that the child may not look like you. Over time, he will adopt your habits, words, gestures, and looking at him, no one will doubt that this is your son or daughter. Always remember that children become family not because we gave birth to them, but because we love them and invest ourselves and our souls in them. So don't suffer.

To be honest, I was never afraid that I wouldn’t have children in my marriage. Moreover, I was sure that they would be there, there would be a lot of them, and all the time before my marriage I was worried about how I could combine children and work. Moreover, I still hope that the children will be and I will still have to worry about their upbringing. Finally, I am quite relaxed about adoption.

Being married to the man I love, having saved myself until marriage, having a job I love and social service, I can say that I am satisfied with almost everything in my life. Yes, the further it goes, the more I want a baby, but everything would be fine if the people around me didn’t let me feel ““ every day.”

“Well, don’t delay the increase!”

“Look, it’s a sin to take precautions, give birth as soon as possible!”

“Don’t worry, once you give birth, many problems will be solved right away!” - these are all elderly acquaintances and grandmothers from the parish.

“Well, aren’t you waiting for anyone yet?” - these are friends.

“Listen, are you finally pregnant?” - these are friends when, after an illness, I gained about five kilograms and did not dress very well.

“Why aren’t you giving birth to anyone yet?” - also beloved friends.

Dear people, you don’t understand how painful it is to hear this. You haven't seen me cry into my pillow at night. As I watch the strollers go by. How I control myself when buying tiny clothes for my nephews. How much I would like to give to my child.

Why are you telling me that children are not given due to the sins of the past, if I saved myself until marriage, what kind of abortions are there already? Why am I on a par with those who lost the ability to give birth because they deliberately prevented the birth of children?

“You should give birth, not write articles” - this is a review of an essay on the Internet.

“You need to rest more” - these are colleagues

“When you go on maternity leave, you’ll finish this plan” - this is the boss at work.

“We need to get you a bigger apartment, you want to give birth,” this is the father.

“Well, don’t delay with your grandchildren!” - This is the mother-in-law.

What if we don’t give birth to anyone in a couple of years? What if we don’t delay?

A friend calls to congratulate you on your birthday: “I wish you more rest and a serious approach to the issue of having children...” - thanks for the valuable advice, now I know what to do to have children...

To maintain a conversation while visiting, I asked a friend for the contact details of her good gynecologist, after 10 minutes I saw that she was literally shouting to my husband throughout the house: “Just don’t worry, you will definitely give birth!!!”

The final straw was this story. A friend called to tell me about the problem with her son, I thought for a long time, then I advised something. Of course, she was on nerves because of her son, but then I heard everything about myself, and most importantly, that I, who had not given birth, have no right to teach her, mother! Yes, you, dear friend, do not know these sufferings of childlessness, but why is it so rude to the sickest? By the way, the right to give advice is not at all determined by the presence of children: some mothers like it when their grandmothers, sometimes with many children, begin to advise them on how to dress, what to feed, and whether they should wear such a hat in such cold weather.

I'm not alone in my feelings. Unmarried people are tormented by questions about when they will get married, and advice on what to do to get married as soon as possible, those with one child are advised not to delay their second child, those with many children are asked where so many children are and how they are still coping.

Dear fellow people, in any circumstances, think three times before commenting on someone else’s life. You haven’t seen tears into your pillow, you don’t know how hard your soul can be, you’ve never been in my place. Think about how painful the best intentions can be for someone else’s soul?

And our baby, God willing, will be born... Probably...

A new section called “Confession” is opening - about ordinary people with a difficult fate. It contains stories about the great will of life, compassion and mercy, mistakes and hope. Behind every story stands someone’s life, someone’s pain, someone’s suffering, someone’s torment. And each of them is a revelation!

Perhaps, after reading them, you will have a desire to make the world a kinder place, to look back, to lend a helping hand to those in need, to stand nearby in a difficult moment, to do something, albeit a tiny one, that will bring more love and warmth into this world.

We ask readers to treat the heroes of each story told in the section with a share of justified compassion - they had to remember again and experience what for years their memory had kept in a secret attic behind a lock: “Forget.”

"...Nobody saved me from this stupidity under the terrible, almost hateful name of “abortion.” Nobody warned me about the depressing “anniversaries” - the date of conception, pregnancy test and... abortion. This is a vicious circle. Gone seven years, and I’m still haunted by a look from nowhere. I can’t look at pregnant women, pain squeezes my heart every time I see a young mother with a child. I would give a lot to be in their place now. I often think about what they’re like. could be my baby, how my life would change if I gave birth to him. I look at children his age, I try them on myself.”

Narmina (name changed for ethical reasons) did not even consider the option of keeping the child. According to her, then she thought that she and her husband could not cope with two kids. She was sure that she was doing everything right: she had built saving barriers in her head. But the pain after an abortion stirs up my thoughts and soul every day, “cutting my heart into small pieces.”

“Am I grieving, do I remember!? After the abortion, I counted the nights and days, months and years! I kept wondering when the pain after the abortion would go away and it would become easier. The most terrible hours are the nights: you are left alone with your thoughts, from which there is no escape, there is no shelter, there are nights when I am overcome with wild horror. After all, I made a mistake that cannot be corrected, I am punished for the rest of my life, my yesterday’s persuasion made me faint: there is no need to suffer from another Caesarean, there will be no problems with diapers. , life will get better, a lot of plans for the future - today they seem ridiculous, worthless compared to life with a child. In those days, I didn’t think much about him as a person, he was something abstract for me. I thought I’d give birth again. , about two years have passed since the first cesarean, I was afraid of complications (crying)..."

Narmina cannot get pregnant; doctors prescribed her a bunch of female diseases, none of which guarantee that she will be able to get pregnant.

In women, reproductive impairment after an induced abortion reaches 15% after a year, and 50% after five years.

In addition to female diseases, due to taking strong hormonal drugs, small tumors formed in one breast, and after a while in the other. She suffers from daily pain, and soon she will have to undergo surgery if the treatment does not give the desired result.

“I went for an abortion with my mother, my husband went to see his family that day. I remember that I was very offended by him, the misunderstanding between us grew like a snowball. At the clinic where I went, they didn’t ask me any unnecessary questions - professional restraint, and I that day I would really like to find a clue so as not to do this...

I don’t remember how I got back into the ward after the abortion, but I remember how the nurse came in and told me: “That’s it, you’re not pregnant anymore.” That’s when for the first time I was overcome by a feeling of the wildness and absurdity of what was happening. Abortion is terrible..."

According to Narmina, her discord with her mother-in-law began even before her marriage. In the third month after the wedding, after a big scandal, her husband’s mother showed her the door. Narmina returned to her father's house, pregnant with her first child, her husband left with her, but he did not contradict her mother. This is how they lived with her mother for the first two years. They had their own apartment, but there was no money for repairs.

“In such a situation, with a young daughter in my arms, without work, with eternal grievances and misunderstandings between me and my husband, his mother incited him almost every day against me, I found out that I was pregnant. Abortion seemed to me a way out of the situation. I wish I could go back to that day... No one and nothing will fill the emptiness that I feel after that day. The terrible thing is that I did not give life to my child, I carried out a bloody reprisal against him.”

Today Narmina has a growing daughter, she is nine years old, she works, they have moved to a new apartment, and their relationship with her husband has improved. The only thing they dreamed about together today was another child. And if Narmina is still zealous, does not believe the doctors’ verdicts, hopes to recover and definitely become a mother again, her husband today seriously fears for her health. In recent years, my wife’s immunity has weakened greatly, and she is getting sick more and more often.

According to doctors, sometimes it is not possible to become pregnant again after an abortion; even the most gentle methods of terminating a pregnancy do not guarantee the preservation of reproductive function.

“I often have nightmares and cry, my husband (he deeply regrets those days) tries to console, but I understand that he cannot comprehend the depth of my pain. I am scared by the thought that I will no longer be able to experience the joy of motherhood, I will not be able to to give my daughter a brother or sister. It hurts to the bone that it’s not me who will have it again: the first smile, the first cry, the first breastfeeding, the first steps, the first “mother”, the first A’s, C’s at school, the first friendship, falling in love.. . If I could get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child... But I can’t, because there is nothing for the fertilized egg to attach to the lining in the uterine cavity. “The consequences of an abortion seven years ago.”

After the abortion, Narmina thought for many years that everything was fine with her, she did not suspect that her physical and even emotional illnesses were associated with the abortion. Many girls and women do not know about such symptoms after an abortion as infertility, problems with conception, stillbirth, premature birth, miscarriages, depression, suicidal impulses and more...

In Azerbaijan, abortion statistics are deplorable; about 35 percent of women have had an abortion once in their lives...

The news of pregnancy can cause a variety of emotions: joy, surprise, confusion, confidence. Among these women who had an abortion and those when the long-awaited news turned into great disappointment for them, she hears: “Abortion for medical reasons.” Sometimes abortion is not a choice when there is no alternative to choose in a situation with no alternative. There are times when a pregnancy must be terminated for medical reasons. When pregnancy can greatly worsen the condition of the pregnant woman herself, we are talking about the life and death of the mother, doctors suggest terminating the pregnancy.

“What can I say to those who are thinking about what to choose: an abortion or the birth of a child..? If there is no need to terminate the pregnancy for medical reasons, do not deprive yourself of the happiness of motherhood, seven years ago I had an abortion, and today doctors cannot help me. I I can’t have children anymore. Love your baby, don’t believe the tales about a clot of cells. This is a lie! He is a human being and has the right to life. Don’t make the same mistake as me. Don’t have an abortion. It hurt me to talk about this. , but if, after hearing my pain, someone retreated from the idea of ​​having an abortion, I am very happy for a new life..."

At the end of the story, Narmina suddenly went into another room, returning a minute later with a notebook in which the verse was written:

"I am a child unborn.

I am a rootless soul named No.

I am the prickly chill in the doctor’s soul,

A bundle cut by people at the shoulder.

May it be easy for you, father and mother,

Live like everyone else and understand nothing.

I still love you more than anyone.

Even if you have forgotten this sin..."

"I haven't forgotten"...

Zarina Oruj